Anxiety and Testimonies

I realized a few days ago I never wrote down what I learned from the plunge into anxiety I had starting really a year ago. A friend of mine asked how he could help a friend who was struggling with mental health stuff and was questioning his testimony and if it even made a difference seeing that our mental states can be altered by medications and therapies. Here are my thoughts:

The secret to knowing the gospel is true AND SEEING THE RESULTS is by trying it with real intent, not just asking. That's also the thing with mental illness, you can't expect to feel better by reading about medications and therapies, you must act and it takes some trial and error. (Side note, they've actually done studies and there's a certain part of the brain that is active during Christian prayer that isn't active in other methods of prayer). Much like my companion with diabetes, she kept up with her diabetes not only because she wanted to live, but because she knew that if she was healthy she could feel the Spirit more. 

I also know that the Lord has a special place in his heart and hand for those of us with mental illnesses. I know I felt a special protection in a way during the transfer that I struggled the most with my anxiety and depression. I talked to my mission president about going home. At that time i was studying the words of Christ in the New Testament and through studying the New Testament I gained a more sure witness of Christ and his character, but also of the Book of Mormon. I learned of Christ's love and plan in the Book of Mormon, and in the New Testament I learned of His character and the way He taught.

I know 100% that the Book of Mormon is true, not only because of the testimony I gained on my mission, but from my continued reading of it.

I also know that I am not happy and cannot feel joy when I am not on my meds. I am not me. The Lord provided medicines so that we can balance out many of the chemical problems our brains have. It's when we are "normal" we feel the Lord's guidance more because we aren't as much of a slave to the temptations of our own minds.

I know I did feel the Spirit several times when my anxiety took a plunge and I really struggled, but those times were of great intensity and weren't very often. I was so wrapped up in the anxiety that I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. The Lord never wants us to feel that way.

I testify to each of you that I know that God lives, that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and that the Book of Mormon is true. I know that as we lean on the Lord and follow his guidance, we will find joy. We will also lead others to joy. Find, teach, and baptize! In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Reapeth in Joy

"Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south. They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." (Psalm 126:4-6) 

This relates very much to a previous study I has a few days ago, where it came to me again that the Lord will always provide a way out, he never only hounds us with trials, and they don't last forever. But it also reminds me of the song "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee." It's a beautiful song quoting verses from Isaiah and the Doctrine and Covenants. How even when the Lord allows us to experience trials, he doesn't leave us, and he will deliver us from trials eventually in his timing.

It actually reminds me a lot of one of the poems I recently wrote titled, "Never Left Alone." It says, 

"Despite how hard this week has been,

The depression,

The anger,

The confusion,

And the feeling of being utterly lost. 

Despite all these things,

I know that I will never be left by someone. 

Someone who will always stand beside me,

Despite how much I want to run from Him,

He will always come when I call. 

He can help heal every heartache I have,

Provide the balm of Gilead on any wound,

And give the strength through grace to get through the day. 

I know that my pain isn't gone,

But I look back on this week and I see how He has been with me each day.

Every day I was with someone who was there to listen,

People placed in my path to listen, comfort and guide me. 

My boss,

My best friend,

My dear friends from church,

One of my youth leaders from growing up,

My parents,

My branch president and his wife.

I was never left alone. 

And even when I was technically alone,

The Lord was with me. 

I might have given in to some negative angry thoughts,

But He still loves me and wants to help me. 

As I strive to improve and heal,

He'll be able to give me more and more strength,

Freely."

I love this verse in Psalms because currently I'm going through a lot emotionally. I have a lot of stress and I have had a lot of negative thoughts that I'm not proud of. But I know that the Lord is watching over me and will help heal me as I continue to turn to him. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Scary Deadlines

Here are a few statements I would like to make about my mission: I am scared,scratch that, I am terrified, I will miss my boyfriend, I will miss my family, I will miss my friends, I do feel inadequate, I feel a little overwhelmed by how much has fallen into place and how much I still feel crazy nervous, BUT this is the right decision for me. I felt the call to serve when I was 16 and the missionary age change was announced. It grew and grew until it was questioned this last winter. I realized I didn't absolutely have to serve a mission, but it was up to me and I knew I would be blessed for it. Then it rekindled stronger than before. It grew as I began filling out my paperwork. It grew ever bigger as I submitted my papers. Finally my call to serve in the Washington Seattle Mission came. It was an amazing and terrifying experience. Since I've come home I've had so many things fall into place for during and after my mission. My life is definitely not how I envisioned it. It is beautiful though. I will be dedicating my life to the service of my God and his children for the next 18 months starting in four days. Only four days! 

I will compare this to a seed as in Alma 32:28-43. It started small, but as I nourished my testimony of my call to serve, it grew and grew. It was good. It felt good. I had a purpose. It became a beautiful tree. I will continue to nourish it so that the fruit of my laboratory will be sweet. I will be the best missionary I can be, despite seasonal affective disorder, despite social anxiety, despite any trial I may come across.

I testify to y'all that I know that I can do all things through Christ, who strengtheneth me. I share these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.