Learning His Ways

I learned this week what happens when we are in the right place, the around the right people, doing the right things, but rushing the Lord 's timetable... I made a decision this week that really didn't need to be made for another few weeks. What I did wasn't wrong, it just was done at the wrong time. I was lucky enough to be going to the temple a couple hours later. I went and did some sealings and sat in the Celestial room for a time and felt horrible about what I'd done. However, I didn't feel guilty, I felt hurt.

I was praying to the Lord and asking why this happened, why I did this thing, why this always happens, etc. lots of self-pity. Then I felt a nudge to open a Book of Mormon to a "random page". I opened to Alma 34:38-41. it said, "That ye contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you. Yea, and I also exhort you, my brethren, that ye be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects at the last day; for behold, he rewardeth you no good thing. And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty, lest ye become sinners like unto them; But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." Basically the Lord called me to repentance and told me I was being impatient.

Afterwards, I apologized to the person I had hurt, and I hopefully have made up for my immaturity I displayed. I knew I needed to work on my impatience, but I see now that I really need to work on it.

Patience can be viewed as the Christlike attribute everyone appreciates the most when it is given, but can be the most difficult to develop (that and humility). It really is something that is difficult to achieve, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I know that as we pray for patience and strive to act on it, we will be blessed greatly. I leave these things with y'all, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Anxiety and Testimonies

I realized a few days ago I never wrote down what I learned from the plunge into anxiety I had starting really a year ago. A friend of mine asked how he could help a friend who was struggling with mental health stuff and was questioning his testimony and if it even made a difference seeing that our mental states can be altered by medications and therapies. Here are my thoughts:

The secret to knowing the gospel is true AND SEEING THE RESULTS is by trying it with real intent, not just asking. That's also the thing with mental illness, you can't expect to feel better by reading about medications and therapies, you must act and it takes some trial and error. (Side note, they've actually done studies and there's a certain part of the brain that is active during Christian prayer that isn't active in other methods of prayer). Much like my companion with diabetes, she kept up with her diabetes not only because she wanted to live, but because she knew that if she was healthy she could feel the Spirit more. 

I also know that the Lord has a special place in his heart and hand for those of us with mental illnesses. I know I felt a special protection in a way during the transfer that I struggled the most with my anxiety and depression. I talked to my mission president about going home. At that time i was studying the words of Christ in the New Testament and through studying the New Testament I gained a more sure witness of Christ and his character, but also of the Book of Mormon. I learned of Christ's love and plan in the Book of Mormon, and in the New Testament I learned of His character and the way He taught.

I know 100% that the Book of Mormon is true, not only because of the testimony I gained on my mission, but from my continued reading of it.

I also know that I am not happy and cannot feel joy when I am not on my meds. I am not me. The Lord provided medicines so that we can balance out many of the chemical problems our brains have. It's when we are "normal" we feel the Lord's guidance more because we aren't as much of a slave to the temptations of our own minds.

I know I did feel the Spirit several times when my anxiety took a plunge and I really struggled, but those times were of great intensity and weren't very often. I was so wrapped up in the anxiety that I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. The Lord never wants us to feel that way.

I testify to each of you that I know that God lives, that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and that the Book of Mormon is true. I know that as we lean on the Lord and follow his guidance, we will find joy. We will also lead others to joy. Find, teach, and baptize! In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Breathe and Let Go

I've learned a lot over the last couple weeks, but I'm going to tell y'all something in particular that I know applies to everyone. I've been struggling with having really negative thoughts lately. Not suicidal or inappropriate really, just angry or bitter thoughts. These are still detrimental to our spiritual growth when left unchecked. We are not to listen or entertain these thoughts. Granted, it's not a sin to experience anger, sadness, disappointment, discouragement, but almost cancerous for us to hold onto these feelings. I've seen first hand this week what someone looks and acts like they hold onto these feelings and trust me guys, it's not pretty.

Something I read recently is that when we experience these extremes of emotions, it's important to give them some validation, we take a minute to feel that emotion, and then like a balloon, we must let them go. Take some deep breathes and let the Savior handle whatever caused you to feel this way. As we focus on the Savior and becoming more like Him and bringing peace into our lives, we can find joy. I know it. Life brings with it a roller coaster of experiences, and so it's ok to take a minute with a friend and do a breathing exercise. Sometime take a minute with a friend, stand up and face your friend, hold hands, look and each other in the eyes, and breathe deeply in while raising your hands, and then lower your hands on the slow exhale. Do this three times and you'll feel calm and less anxiety. I did this with a friend who was having a meltdown because of the stress going on at home. While I couldn't make the stress go away, I could help her feel more calm and in control.

A personal goal of mine is to focus on Christ whenever these bad thoughts come and to tell myself daily that I am enough and it is through my relationship with Christ that I can find peace, not through other people. I know the Lord gave us these coping mechanisms to help us feel ready for challenges ahead of us and I know that with prayer, scripture study, and focus, these things will make us better disciples of Jesus Christ. I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Tender mercies :)

So today was a rollercoaster but I had the greatest tender mercy from one of my former companions. On the mission I had helped her along the road to recovery with gaining weight again. She has a eating disorder and it was with me that she started to gain weight again and learned to be happy with it. Since being home the stress has been really hard on her and she's lost some weight. Most of our correspondence now has been recipes to try and such. Tonight she told me she is seeing a nutritionist for her eating disorder. The amount of pride and love I had when she told me about this swelled within me. I almost started to cry. I was so happy for her. I can kind of relate in some ways because I struggle to gain weight mostly because of my metabolism. I know I was meant to be a part of her life and she a part of mine.

AND yesterday I saw that on of the companions I got super close with came home and I got to talk to her on the phone for a few minutes. I am so proud of her for fulfilling her mission. She had a super difficult time for a quite a while, but she came out on top. In fact, our transfer was her do or die transfer, she either was able to work to her fullest ability with me, or she went home. Despite her anxiety, she improved leaps and bounds and became the missionary everyone knew she could become.

I know the Lord had me go on a mission, not just for the sake of going, but because I had people I needed to meet, and people that needed to meet me. I know that the Lord puts us exactly where we need to be when we follow His direction. I leave these things wit you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Reapeth in Joy

"Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south. They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." (Psalm 126:4-6) 

This relates very much to a previous study I has a few days ago, where it came to me again that the Lord will always provide a way out, he never only hounds us with trials, and they don't last forever. But it also reminds me of the song "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee." It's a beautiful song quoting verses from Isaiah and the Doctrine and Covenants. How even when the Lord allows us to experience trials, he doesn't leave us, and he will deliver us from trials eventually in his timing.

It actually reminds me a lot of one of the poems I recently wrote titled, "Never Left Alone." It says, 

"Despite how hard this week has been,

The depression,

The anger,

The confusion,

And the feeling of being utterly lost. 

Despite all these things,

I know that I will never be left by someone. 

Someone who will always stand beside me,

Despite how much I want to run from Him,

He will always come when I call. 

He can help heal every heartache I have,

Provide the balm of Gilead on any wound,

And give the strength through grace to get through the day. 

I know that my pain isn't gone,

But I look back on this week and I see how He has been with me each day.

Every day I was with someone who was there to listen,

People placed in my path to listen, comfort and guide me. 

My boss,

My best friend,

My dear friends from church,

One of my youth leaders from growing up,

My parents,

My branch president and his wife.

I was never left alone. 

And even when I was technically alone,

The Lord was with me. 

I might have given in to some negative angry thoughts,

But He still loves me and wants to help me. 

As I strive to improve and heal,

He'll be able to give me more and more strength,

Freely."

I love this verse in Psalms because currently I'm going through a lot emotionally. I have a lot of stress and I have had a lot of negative thoughts that I'm not proud of. But I know that the Lord is watching over me and will help heal me as I continue to turn to him. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Breaking Destructive Cycles

Recently I have been able to be a cheerleader for someone who was struggling. This friend has been such a blessing in my life and I am thankful for them. Through my many strugglings over the last few months, he has been a wonderful support. On Thursday it was my turn to be his support. 

He had something huge due that he was really struggling with, and then suddenly it was the day before it was due. Panic set in. I also know that feeling all too well. He didn't have a direction with this assignment, or he did but it was vague. He kept spiraling back into, "I have so much to do and it is due tomorrow!" It is that panic that is crippling and doesn't get anything done. I was able to help him focus back onto his assignment and finishing. Every so often I'd send encouraging texts like, "You can do it!!"

This can be compared to our Savior and repentance. Sometimes we become overwhelmed by our trials and sins we feel trapped. Satan tells us that we can't escape. BUT WE CAN. Repentance is possible and very real. It isn't going to be like before. Our sins will not be wiped from our memory. BUT we can be made clean again. We can have our garments washed clean. We do not need to continue to walk around with our sins. We must wake up and stop our destructive cycles. We must begin to repent. I have. I have many many many times. And I am grateful every time.

I bear my testimony to you that repentance is real and possible. Through Christ's Atonement we are able to become clean. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.