My Ways are Higher than Your Ways

This week I've learned a lot from the Lord about perspective. I've been reflecting a lot on what I've learned the past few months, and I've made a lot of progress. This week the Lord opened my eyes and showed me a glimpse of what he has in store for me, similar to many of the revelatory moments I had on my mission. I've learned a lot about when we listen to the Lord, we will be placed exactly where we need to be in order to experience the things that we need in order to progress in the gospel. But not only that, we will see the blessings within our patriarchal blessings unfold. It is so neat to see small and simple things, like dominos beginning to fall, move and happen. The Lord truly keeps his promises when we keep ours. I know this to be true. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Anxiety and Testimonies

I realized a few days ago I never wrote down what I learned from the plunge into anxiety I had starting really a year ago. A friend of mine asked how he could help a friend who was struggling with mental health stuff and was questioning his testimony and if it even made a difference seeing that our mental states can be altered by medications and therapies. Here are my thoughts:

The secret to knowing the gospel is true AND SEEING THE RESULTS is by trying it with real intent, not just asking. That's also the thing with mental illness, you can't expect to feel better by reading about medications and therapies, you must act and it takes some trial and error. (Side note, they've actually done studies and there's a certain part of the brain that is active during Christian prayer that isn't active in other methods of prayer). Much like my companion with diabetes, she kept up with her diabetes not only because she wanted to live, but because she knew that if she was healthy she could feel the Spirit more. 

I also know that the Lord has a special place in his heart and hand for those of us with mental illnesses. I know I felt a special protection in a way during the transfer that I struggled the most with my anxiety and depression. I talked to my mission president about going home. At that time i was studying the words of Christ in the New Testament and through studying the New Testament I gained a more sure witness of Christ and his character, but also of the Book of Mormon. I learned of Christ's love and plan in the Book of Mormon, and in the New Testament I learned of His character and the way He taught.

I know 100% that the Book of Mormon is true, not only because of the testimony I gained on my mission, but from my continued reading of it.

I also know that I am not happy and cannot feel joy when I am not on my meds. I am not me. The Lord provided medicines so that we can balance out many of the chemical problems our brains have. It's when we are "normal" we feel the Lord's guidance more because we aren't as much of a slave to the temptations of our own minds.

I know I did feel the Spirit several times when my anxiety took a plunge and I really struggled, but those times were of great intensity and weren't very often. I was so wrapped up in the anxiety that I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. The Lord never wants us to feel that way.

I testify to each of you that I know that God lives, that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and that the Book of Mormon is true. I know that as we lean on the Lord and follow his guidance, we will find joy. We will also lead others to joy. Find, teach, and baptize! In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Learning His Way

"And the Spirit said unto me: Behold, what desirest thou? And I said: I desire to behold the things which my father saw. And the Spirit said unto me: Believest thou that thy father saw the tree of which he hath spoken? And I said: Yea, thou knowest that I believe all the words of my father. And when I had spoken these words, the Spirit cried with a loud voice, saying: Hosanna to the Lord, the most high God; for he is God over all the earth, yea, even above all. And blessed art thou, Nephi, because thou believest in the Son of the most high God; wherefore, thou shalt behold the things which thou hast desired." (1 Nephi 11:2-6) 

As I was listening to the scriptures last night I heard this part and it struck me, "Nephi didn't ask why he saw the dream, because he must have had an inkling of understanding already. He asked what it meant." With a current trial I'm going through I keep asking myself why I feel this way, why is it so difficult to get over , and why now? But really I should be asking for understanding, to understand what the Lord is trying to teach me right now, and what can I learn from this.

I'm excited to learn from the Lord what he wants to teach me because I know that I will be able to, at least eventually, see this from an eternal perspective. I know that the Lord speaks to us today, and I look forward to learning more about his ways this weekend from General Conference. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Tender mercies :)

So today was a rollercoaster but I had the greatest tender mercy from one of my former companions. On the mission I had helped her along the road to recovery with gaining weight again. She has a eating disorder and it was with me that she started to gain weight again and learned to be happy with it. Since being home the stress has been really hard on her and she's lost some weight. Most of our correspondence now has been recipes to try and such. Tonight she told me she is seeing a nutritionist for her eating disorder. The amount of pride and love I had when she told me about this swelled within me. I almost started to cry. I was so happy for her. I can kind of relate in some ways because I struggle to gain weight mostly because of my metabolism. I know I was meant to be a part of her life and she a part of mine.

AND yesterday I saw that on of the companions I got super close with came home and I got to talk to her on the phone for a few minutes. I am so proud of her for fulfilling her mission. She had a super difficult time for a quite a while, but she came out on top. In fact, our transfer was her do or die transfer, she either was able to work to her fullest ability with me, or she went home. Despite her anxiety, she improved leaps and bounds and became the missionary everyone knew she could become.

I know the Lord had me go on a mission, not just for the sake of going, but because I had people I needed to meet, and people that needed to meet me. I know that the Lord puts us exactly where we need to be when we follow His direction. I leave these things wit you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Reapeth in Joy

"Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south. They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." (Psalm 126:4-6) 

This relates very much to a previous study I has a few days ago, where it came to me again that the Lord will always provide a way out, he never only hounds us with trials, and they don't last forever. But it also reminds me of the song "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee." It's a beautiful song quoting verses from Isaiah and the Doctrine and Covenants. How even when the Lord allows us to experience trials, he doesn't leave us, and he will deliver us from trials eventually in his timing.

It actually reminds me a lot of one of the poems I recently wrote titled, "Never Left Alone." It says, 

"Despite how hard this week has been,

The depression,

The anger,

The confusion,

And the feeling of being utterly lost. 

Despite all these things,

I know that I will never be left by someone. 

Someone who will always stand beside me,

Despite how much I want to run from Him,

He will always come when I call. 

He can help heal every heartache I have,

Provide the balm of Gilead on any wound,

And give the strength through grace to get through the day. 

I know that my pain isn't gone,

But I look back on this week and I see how He has been with me each day.

Every day I was with someone who was there to listen,

People placed in my path to listen, comfort and guide me. 

My boss,

My best friend,

My dear friends from church,

One of my youth leaders from growing up,

My parents,

My branch president and his wife.

I was never left alone. 

And even when I was technically alone,

The Lord was with me. 

I might have given in to some negative angry thoughts,

But He still loves me and wants to help me. 

As I strive to improve and heal,

He'll be able to give me more and more strength,

Freely."

I love this verse in Psalms because currently I'm going through a lot emotionally. I have a lot of stress and I have had a lot of negative thoughts that I'm not proud of. But I know that the Lord is watching over me and will help heal me as I continue to turn to him. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Trusting God When Plans Change

To say this summer didn't go according to plan would be a major understatement. This was mostly fine, in fact it was wonderful. As everyone knows though, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. A lot of what happened this summer I thought I could leave behind and just focus on mission prep, I was WRONG. Haha. It's not a bad thing, it just wasn't according to plan. I am very blessed because it didn't go according to plan. I began learning to "play by ear" with the Spirit. That was so cool. But it was on a day to day basis, I wasn't necessarily looking forward in time much. 

Fast forward in time: I am home and I have 33 days till I fly out to the MTC. Everything is great except I have to make some big decisions within the next couple of years, as in as soon as I get back from my mission. I have officially sent an email to SVU with questions regarding another deferment for my enrollment and scholarship to 2018 instead of 2017.

In the last month I've been trying to include something like "please let everything happen according to thy plan" or "thy will be done". It's so hard and sometimes scary! I tend to like my plans. They tend to look the best before things happen. But I know that God knows what he's doing a lot better than I do. We do have agency which allows us to choose our own path, but He knows what is best for us and so it's best to trust Him. 

I testify to you that God knows and loves each of us. He has a plan for us. Sometimes it's hard, but it's always worth it. I leave these things with ou in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.