Learning His Ways

I learned this week what happens when we are in the right place, the around the right people, doing the right things, but rushing the Lord 's timetable... I made a decision this week that really didn't need to be made for another few weeks. What I did wasn't wrong, it just was done at the wrong time. I was lucky enough to be going to the temple a couple hours later. I went and did some sealings and sat in the Celestial room for a time and felt horrible about what I'd done. However, I didn't feel guilty, I felt hurt.

I was praying to the Lord and asking why this happened, why I did this thing, why this always happens, etc. lots of self-pity. Then I felt a nudge to open a Book of Mormon to a "random page". I opened to Alma 34:38-41. it said, "That ye contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you. Yea, and I also exhort you, my brethren, that ye be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects at the last day; for behold, he rewardeth you no good thing. And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty, lest ye become sinners like unto them; But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." Basically the Lord called me to repentance and told me I was being impatient.

Afterwards, I apologized to the person I had hurt, and I hopefully have made up for my immaturity I displayed. I knew I needed to work on my impatience, but I see now that I really need to work on it.

Patience can be viewed as the Christlike attribute everyone appreciates the most when it is given, but can be the most difficult to develop (that and humility). It really is something that is difficult to achieve, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I know that as we pray for patience and strive to act on it, we will be blessed greatly. I leave these things with y'all, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

My Ways are Higher than Your Ways

This week I've learned a lot from the Lord about perspective. I've been reflecting a lot on what I've learned the past few months, and I've made a lot of progress. This week the Lord opened my eyes and showed me a glimpse of what he has in store for me, similar to many of the revelatory moments I had on my mission. I've learned a lot about when we listen to the Lord, we will be placed exactly where we need to be in order to experience the things that we need in order to progress in the gospel. But not only that, we will see the blessings within our patriarchal blessings unfold. It is so neat to see small and simple things, like dominos beginning to fall, move and happen. The Lord truly keeps his promises when we keep ours. I know this to be true. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Anxiety and Testimonies

I realized a few days ago I never wrote down what I learned from the plunge into anxiety I had starting really a year ago. A friend of mine asked how he could help a friend who was struggling with mental health stuff and was questioning his testimony and if it even made a difference seeing that our mental states can be altered by medications and therapies. Here are my thoughts:

The secret to knowing the gospel is true AND SEEING THE RESULTS is by trying it with real intent, not just asking. That's also the thing with mental illness, you can't expect to feel better by reading about medications and therapies, you must act and it takes some trial and error. (Side note, they've actually done studies and there's a certain part of the brain that is active during Christian prayer that isn't active in other methods of prayer). Much like my companion with diabetes, she kept up with her diabetes not only because she wanted to live, but because she knew that if she was healthy she could feel the Spirit more. 

I also know that the Lord has a special place in his heart and hand for those of us with mental illnesses. I know I felt a special protection in a way during the transfer that I struggled the most with my anxiety and depression. I talked to my mission president about going home. At that time i was studying the words of Christ in the New Testament and through studying the New Testament I gained a more sure witness of Christ and his character, but also of the Book of Mormon. I learned of Christ's love and plan in the Book of Mormon, and in the New Testament I learned of His character and the way He taught.

I know 100% that the Book of Mormon is true, not only because of the testimony I gained on my mission, but from my continued reading of it.

I also know that I am not happy and cannot feel joy when I am not on my meds. I am not me. The Lord provided medicines so that we can balance out many of the chemical problems our brains have. It's when we are "normal" we feel the Lord's guidance more because we aren't as much of a slave to the temptations of our own minds.

I know I did feel the Spirit several times when my anxiety took a plunge and I really struggled, but those times were of great intensity and weren't very often. I was so wrapped up in the anxiety that I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. The Lord never wants us to feel that way.

I testify to each of you that I know that God lives, that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and that the Book of Mormon is true. I know that as we lean on the Lord and follow his guidance, we will find joy. We will also lead others to joy. Find, teach, and baptize! In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Breathe and Let Go

I've learned a lot over the last couple weeks, but I'm going to tell y'all something in particular that I know applies to everyone. I've been struggling with having really negative thoughts lately. Not suicidal or inappropriate really, just angry or bitter thoughts. These are still detrimental to our spiritual growth when left unchecked. We are not to listen or entertain these thoughts. Granted, it's not a sin to experience anger, sadness, disappointment, discouragement, but almost cancerous for us to hold onto these feelings. I've seen first hand this week what someone looks and acts like they hold onto these feelings and trust me guys, it's not pretty.

Something I read recently is that when we experience these extremes of emotions, it's important to give them some validation, we take a minute to feel that emotion, and then like a balloon, we must let them go. Take some deep breathes and let the Savior handle whatever caused you to feel this way. As we focus on the Savior and becoming more like Him and bringing peace into our lives, we can find joy. I know it. Life brings with it a roller coaster of experiences, and so it's ok to take a minute with a friend and do a breathing exercise. Sometime take a minute with a friend, stand up and face your friend, hold hands, look and each other in the eyes, and breathe deeply in while raising your hands, and then lower your hands on the slow exhale. Do this three times and you'll feel calm and less anxiety. I did this with a friend who was having a meltdown because of the stress going on at home. While I couldn't make the stress go away, I could help her feel more calm and in control.

A personal goal of mine is to focus on Christ whenever these bad thoughts come and to tell myself daily that I am enough and it is through my relationship with Christ that I can find peace, not through other people. I know the Lord gave us these coping mechanisms to help us feel ready for challenges ahead of us and I know that with prayer, scripture study, and focus, these things will make us better disciples of Jesus Christ. I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Learning His Way

"And the Spirit said unto me: Behold, what desirest thou? And I said: I desire to behold the things which my father saw. And the Spirit said unto me: Believest thou that thy father saw the tree of which he hath spoken? And I said: Yea, thou knowest that I believe all the words of my father. And when I had spoken these words, the Spirit cried with a loud voice, saying: Hosanna to the Lord, the most high God; for he is God over all the earth, yea, even above all. And blessed art thou, Nephi, because thou believest in the Son of the most high God; wherefore, thou shalt behold the things which thou hast desired." (1 Nephi 11:2-6) 

As I was listening to the scriptures last night I heard this part and it struck me, "Nephi didn't ask why he saw the dream, because he must have had an inkling of understanding already. He asked what it meant." With a current trial I'm going through I keep asking myself why I feel this way, why is it so difficult to get over , and why now? But really I should be asking for understanding, to understand what the Lord is trying to teach me right now, and what can I learn from this.

I'm excited to learn from the Lord what he wants to teach me because I know that I will be able to, at least eventually, see this from an eternal perspective. I know that the Lord speaks to us today, and I look forward to learning more about his ways this weekend from General Conference. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Tender mercies :)

So today was a rollercoaster but I had the greatest tender mercy from one of my former companions. On the mission I had helped her along the road to recovery with gaining weight again. She has a eating disorder and it was with me that she started to gain weight again and learned to be happy with it. Since being home the stress has been really hard on her and she's lost some weight. Most of our correspondence now has been recipes to try and such. Tonight she told me she is seeing a nutritionist for her eating disorder. The amount of pride and love I had when she told me about this swelled within me. I almost started to cry. I was so happy for her. I can kind of relate in some ways because I struggle to gain weight mostly because of my metabolism. I know I was meant to be a part of her life and she a part of mine.

AND yesterday I saw that on of the companions I got super close with came home and I got to talk to her on the phone for a few minutes. I am so proud of her for fulfilling her mission. She had a super difficult time for a quite a while, but she came out on top. In fact, our transfer was her do or die transfer, she either was able to work to her fullest ability with me, or she went home. Despite her anxiety, she improved leaps and bounds and became the missionary everyone knew she could become.

I know the Lord had me go on a mission, not just for the sake of going, but because I had people I needed to meet, and people that needed to meet me. I know that the Lord puts us exactly where we need to be when we follow His direction. I leave these things wit you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Reapeth in Joy

"Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south. They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." (Psalm 126:4-6) 

This relates very much to a previous study I has a few days ago, where it came to me again that the Lord will always provide a way out, he never only hounds us with trials, and they don't last forever. But it also reminds me of the song "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee." It's a beautiful song quoting verses from Isaiah and the Doctrine and Covenants. How even when the Lord allows us to experience trials, he doesn't leave us, and he will deliver us from trials eventually in his timing.

It actually reminds me a lot of one of the poems I recently wrote titled, "Never Left Alone." It says, 

"Despite how hard this week has been,

The depression,

The anger,

The confusion,

And the feeling of being utterly lost. 

Despite all these things,

I know that I will never be left by someone. 

Someone who will always stand beside me,

Despite how much I want to run from Him,

He will always come when I call. 

He can help heal every heartache I have,

Provide the balm of Gilead on any wound,

And give the strength through grace to get through the day. 

I know that my pain isn't gone,

But I look back on this week and I see how He has been with me each day.

Every day I was with someone who was there to listen,

People placed in my path to listen, comfort and guide me. 

My boss,

My best friend,

My dear friends from church,

One of my youth leaders from growing up,

My parents,

My branch president and his wife.

I was never left alone. 

And even when I was technically alone,

The Lord was with me. 

I might have given in to some negative angry thoughts,

But He still loves me and wants to help me. 

As I strive to improve and heal,

He'll be able to give me more and more strength,

Freely."

I love this verse in Psalms because currently I'm going through a lot emotionally. I have a lot of stress and I have had a lot of negative thoughts that I'm not proud of. But I know that the Lord is watching over me and will help heal me as I continue to turn to him. I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Mountains and Valleys

“For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5))

I love this verse because it reminds me of the many reminders we’ve had from the prophets that trials aren’t forever. We aren’t always going to be climbing a mountain. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Every trial eventually has an end. Granted, some may be with us our whole lives, like disabilities. But we won’t have those in the resurrection.
Oftentimes the end of a trial happens when we learn something the Lord is trying to teach us. Sometimes it’s only when we humble ourselves and turn to the Lord that we are able to conquer a trial. 

Just recently I experienced something really really hard, compacted with stress from work and stress from school, it felt like I’d never make it out from under whatever rock had fallen on top of me. But a friend of mine pointed me in the right direction. No pity party, it’s now time to ask yourself, “Where am I spiritually lacking?” Well, my studies weren’t great, they were decent but not great. And so I revamped them (aka thanks from reading my revamped studies, I hope this inspires you to revamp yours too). 

I also, despite the pushback from Satan, attended church to partake of the sacrament. It was amazing and fulfilling. It filled me so much where I was feeling so empty. 

On Tuesday I went to the temple and I did an initiatory session. It was so beautiful and I learned so much. Afterwards I didn’t want to leave the temple grounds, so I sat outside the temple on a bench and just marveled at the temple and felt the Spirit and peace. 

This really is the way we can fully heal a broken heart, we turn to the Lord. I can’t say that I’m completely whole, but I’m on the right path. 

Joy in the Temple

This week has been unbelievably stressful. My personal job, and school lives each imploded within 72 hours starting on Monday. Granted, I still have both jobs, I still have school and I'm no longer behind on homework, and I still have all my amazing and wonderful friends. But I started to listen to a lot of negative thinking as I wandered through last week in a lot of emotional pain. Sunday it hit me like a ton of bricks, "You are enough! The Atonement will help heal this pain if you move forward, despite what anyone else's decisions are. You are your own person." Well, dang! Haha! The sacrament helped a ton and I just want to emphasize to each of you that when you trust in the Lord, and move forward doing the things we know we need to do, you will be blessed and comforted. 

I’m coming to the conclusion of my studies on hearts in the Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine, and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. The next topic I am studying is joy. This is something I need to relearn how to have, given the events of last week, I want to be able to find more godly joy in my life. 

My study begins in Ezra (as this is the first mentioning of the word joy in the Bible). Ezra 3:11-13, “And they sang together by course in praising and giving thanks unto the Lord; because he is good, for his mercy endureth for ever toward Israel. And all the people shouted with a great shout, when they praised the Lord, because the foundation of the house of the Lord was laid. But many of the priests and Levites and chief of the fathers, who were ancient men, that had seen the first house, when the foundation of this house was laid before their eyes, wept with a loud voice; and many shouted aloud for joy: So that the people could not discern the noise of the shout of joy from the noise of the weeping of the people: for the people shouted with a loud shout, and the noise was heard afar off.”

Why were they weeping with joy? Why was there such an explosion of emotion? Because the temple was being rebuilt. The house of the Lord. Can you imagine being without it? I was just depressed when I found out the Raleigh temple was going to be refurbished for a year so I’d have to drive down to Columbia, South Carolina when I needed to go to the temple! But I can’t even imagine how amazing it will be when the temple reopens and we have the cultural celebration and we’ll basically throw an amazing huge party celebrating the house of the Lord being open once again in the state of North Carolina.

I love the temple and I know of the peace that it can bring as we attend worthily and we seek the Lord with our whole hearts. I love the Lord so much and I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Missing the Mission

Hello all! This past Monday was a great day! I invited my best friend Karis to come to FHE and she came and she loved it! She's so excited to come to more activities and everything! 

This week I've been given responsibility over some of the social media of the publishing business I work for. It's been fun making little picture quotes for the facebook pages I'm in charge of, and in fact I've seen progress on these pages, slow progress but it's progress. 

This was also my first week of classes and I love them all so far. My classes all have to do with my major, early childhood education, and I just get so excited about my classes and what I'm learning. It feels so right. I'm so grateful for the Lord's guidance and my listening to Him. 

Haha on Saturday I was driving home from class (I have a Saturday class five times this semester), and I pass this man who is working in his yard. I had the thought that I should pull over and ask him if he needed any help. So I did, and I left the keys in the car. I asked him if he needed any help and he said no thank you but that was so sweet of you. I go back to my car and I realize I locked myself out of my car. So he notices that I can't get in my car and he offers to take me to my house and get my key with me. So he went to get his wife and she took me up to my house to grab my dad's key to help me unlock my car. We had a very nice conversation, but I felt like an idiot the whole time. I literally couldn't stop laughing when I got home. BUT I listened to the Spirit, and who know she what blessings will come from this. 

I need y'all to pray for my friend Cindy Poma, she's been missing since Saturday and it's driving me nuts. Everyone on Facebook is losing their minds and her family is worried sick. She needs to be found soon safe. Thank you! 

I miss the mission so much, every day. Yesterday I asked my branch president if he still missed his mission and even he said yes! The mission is a wonderful place with structure, the Spirit is in everything you do, you have a purpose, etc. But moving on is inevitable, but that doesn't mean you forget your mission either. I am finding opportunities to share the gospel with my friends every day. I got to share a pamphlet with my boss on Friday because she had questions about the Plan of Salvation. These little things build up and one day you get to have moments like I had on Monday with Karis at FHE. It's so cool to share the gospel with the people you love. I know these things to be true, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

God's Timing

Soooooo I'm so sorry this hasn't been kept up as it should be... I will try to do better, I promise.


So this week I was able to get fully registered for school (stupid high school), got my books, and today I started my classes. I'm so excited! All of my classes are mostly online (there are two that are online but also meet 4 times this semester). I am able to work on school work while I'm at work if I'm not busy with a customer and everything seems to be going great! I spent half of Saturday helping a member of my branch get started working on her family history. It was so cool because she was in the foster care system so she doesn't know a ton about her biological parents besides when they were born and when they died. But her brothers (all active members of the church) have done some family history so we had some stuff to work with. We found out that many of her ancestors served in the Civil and Revolutionary Wars! They came over while our country was still being colonized and that was so neat! How cool to know that your ancestors helped set up the foundation of our country! (Haha mine just came over and saw the east coast and went, "Hmm this is nice, whelp, bye!" And then went west).

I really truly love it here in Carthage and am so grateful for God's timing. I asked my dad yesterday for a back to school blessing. In my blessing, I was told over and over that the major I have chosen is the one that God wants for me. I will help many people that can't help themselves and that whatever obstacles come up they are not from the Lord for He needs me in this path. I know that I am doing the right thing by pursuing a degree in early childhood education in preparation to get my degree in special education. I know that the Lord has a plan for each of us in this life. If we but follow him and seek him out in prayer and fasting, we will receive answers. I leave these things with y'all in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.